Texting Celebs

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“Hey, Celebrity X, I loved your latest comedy special. My name is Kyle, and I’m producing the Motherfucker Awards. I know you’re busy, but if you have a moment, I’d love to talk to you about performing. The show is on Dec 3 in LA. We would love to have you involved.”

I stare at the send button on Instagram messages.

I read the draft out loud and realize the word, ‘love,’ appeared three times in two sentences. Don’t be a kiss ass.

Second draft: “Hey Celebrity X, want to accept a Motherfucker Award this year? It’s a satirical comedy show that celebrates the corporations that fuck Mother Earth, haha. Last year we had comics like Moshe Kasher and Natasha Leggero. The show is on Dec 3 in LA. We’d love to have you involved.

Does ‘haha’ make me sound lighthearted or nervous? Nervous, I decide. Does name-dropping other comics legitimize me, or make me look like a name-dropper? Name dropper, I decide.

Third draft: “Hey, Celebrity X, want to accept a Motherfucker Award this year? It’s a satirical comedy show that celebrates the corporations that fuck Mother Earth. The show is on Dec 3 in LA. We’d love to have you involved.

Sent.

Immediate regret.

For someone who is producing a show with the word ‘fuck,’ I really need to practice giving less of them.

“Don’t Try” - Charles Bukowski